Main Character Energy: Where are You in Your Life Story?
Don't be the side character in your movie
My main New Year’s Resolution for 2024 has been to reconcile with my shadow side — the aspect that’s always hiding from myself, the shadier aspect that only comes out as my muse when I write. In undergrad and grad school, I was accused of writing about very morbid, depressing subjects and urged to write something lighter — while my classmates turned in stories about serial killers and incest and those were fine. Last year brought a challenge to my shadow side because I made a decision based on lies, persuasion, and guilt.
In other words, I should’ve chosen better. How have I chosen before?
My first Shadow Side assignment was to write an autobiography. Write down every event that I could remember — from my birthing story to my earlier years, to college and beyond. What did I remember about my life and how it flowed?
Here’s what I noticed. While I’ve written before about the trouble with victim stories, I was in lots of positions where I was constantly victimized by others — especially their circumstances and their choices. I’m also very uncomfortable with the spotlight, and likely from earlier choices in life.
In other words, I wasn’t the Main Character in my own story. Other people’s desires, philosophies, desires, and choices have come before mine. I didn’t see this until I wrote out the autobiography because I saw how little of me was in my own life.
Last week I wrote about how Main Character energy permeates the culture now. We’ve swung from staying together for the sake of longevity, to, if we feel like someone is a little bit off, no matter the reason — we reserve the right to cut them off, with no explanation, and no reasoning, because we’re all strong and independent and we don’t owe them shit.
So where does that leave those who put others in the front and center? Let’s explore!
Spotlight of Fear
My autobiography detailed how when I was younger, my family took certain choices away that likely would’ve given me a strong boost in identity, self-esteem, or accomplishments, and they weren’t replaced with anything constructive. Instead, I was left alone often, for long periods, forced to fill up my time with something constructive that fit their desires and needs.
The result left me socially awkward and unable to read cues on whether I was wanted or desired by others. I wasn’t left with many options for socialization or positive memory building, and when it came to accomplishments on my own, my family or social circle upstaged me with their emotions, desires, or events in themselves.
Others have come into my life to modify my behavior to suit their needs, sacrifice on behalf of the potential of inclusion, and then when the rug was ripped away because they took advantage and removed all hope — often in cruel ways — they wanted to return to normal, change the relationship how they saw fit, and any sorrows that this awakened past or present, or any sorrows or issues I had with them, had to be swept under the rug to keep the potentiality of their presence in my life. I also couldn’t look for others to provide me with those experiences, desires, needs, or wants to keep them in my life.
Essentially, I repeated what I’d experienced in my early upbringing. Minimize myself, provide endless service and chances, and never address what they’ve done, because I’d be negative, not worthy of care, and abandoned at any moment at any time. I’ve gone through this enough times that I can’t trust anyone anymore.
The spotlight reception was difficult as well. In my first workshop experience, classmates told me they’d never want to be my friend. I was wrong to look for someone to take care of me, and I should’ve been an English major because I couldn’t write. I know this was more than fifteen years ago, but it still lives on in my head.
Where has that left me? Basically without many ways to cope, and in terms of my own story, I’d substituted others’ hopes, dreams, and desires for my own — convinced that if I gave them what they wanted and needed, no matter how unreasonable, then they’d return the favor. But what happened was that I put other people above my own in my own life, and where did that leave me?
Well, I was the emotional come-up. Broke, single, and alone.
Shoutout to My Muse
This isn’t my muse. Most writers have muses — normally women (although Stephen King’s muse is a guy) who inspire them to write. My muse is a cross between Blac Chyna and Bernadette (Angela Bassett’s character) from waiting to exhale — fearless, ruthless, cunning, and manipulative. She doesn’t mind crossing others if she has to get what she needs.
My Muse isn’t a monster, but she certainly cares less about others’ expectations and desires because that’s what’s needed for a story. As I said before, no one likes victim stories because there’s no forward movement. And yet I’d become a professional victim in my autobiography to keep others close to me.
Now, I recognize my muse as my shadow side. Perhaps that’s why she was so disliked in workshops — because I don’t believe that super nice people make great protagonists. The readers can’t empathize, not completely, with perfect characters. They’re more likely to hate them because they don’t see themselves in them. After all, most people overeat, overspend, or overwork so your characters should too.
I’m obsessed with imperfect characters, but obsessed with crafting a near-perfect image in real life to appease others. That makes no sense.
My Muse is my shadow side because she’s safe to confront those more selfish desires head-on. As I wrote my autobiography, I realized that I interacted with people who demanded that I become a completely different person to suit their needs, only to walk out of my life when it came time for something that I desired from them — whether it be in the form of a question, a request, an event, a sacrifice.
Themes to Change
My goal this year is to embrace versatility in my morality because that will get this rock out of my path. It’d be nice to say such and such shouldn’t have done A, B, C, but it doesn’t do anything for how to combat those issues should they arise again. What beliefs should I challenge? Better yet, what events should I challenge as well?
And this has led to some very silly revelations. One of them is that I want people in my life who can provide a service to me — or people who can provide me with a good time. There’s so much heavy energy in my life because that’s what people have dropped off in my lap — problems that weren’t mine to deal with. I’ve had the opportunity to work through a problem via poor treatment — i.e., someone mistreated them, so they justified mistreating me because I was around. It’d be easy to say they shouldn’t have done that, but how does that help?
Here’s what I’ve noticed with this life story and the lack of main character energy. People are going to act however they want. I’m no one’s mother. I’m not in charge of other people’s behavior — even mothers lose that influence once their children are teenagers. So there’s no sense in trying to apply morality to it. The other question then is, well…what does this provide to them? And do I want to be the one to provide it for them?
Lots of people — Black women especially — were robbed of their instruction to become productive citizens because we’re the vessel that everyone — including other Black women — drop off their negativity and distortions, to convince us to become workhorses or social workers that are mistreated by the rest of the world. If we have the opportunity to feel like we’re better than everyone else, especially if there are no repercussions, or, if we’re even egged on, wouldn’t we take it?
I believe Black women are the target for this because we represent the birth of civilization, have no protection, and serve as workhorses for society. There couldn’t be a trad wife, a CEO, or a millionaire without Black women because everyone else profits off our misery and pain. We’re the Black girls in movies, TV shows, and books with a white or light lead who supports them into their Happily Ever After with nothing in return.
Most of the messages I’ve received were corrupt. It wasn’t that no one wanted to be my friend, or that I was overconfident and needed to be humbled. It was that they were determined I wouldn’t do better than they did. They were just negging me. And I was negged into making others the light of my life while they handed over their darkness and problems and received their happily ever after.
Well, how do I stop this? For starters, I have to stop taking on other people’s problems. That started in childhood. I get that there’s lots of pain and misery and lots of people starving out there in the world. I also get that taking on other people’s problems meant that I didn’t see their capability and in some ways, humanity. The second one is to develop the courage to stop others from using me. And that’s been a little bit more tricky because I have to find when this is happening in my own life. That involves a covenant.
I have to become the Main Character in my own life.